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A PAGE OF JOKES
We must find more time to smile - - The following might brighten your day
The Grandfather Economic Reports is a series of picture reports to raise awareness of difficult economic challenges facing families & youth, compared to prior generations. That's important, serious stuff. But, let's also have some fun. To brighten your day, how about some fun. Get ready to relax, smile and chuckle.
4 JOKE SECTIONS
Why Florida delayed an Election - - Why the Chicken crossed the road
Smarter Math Exams - - Could Noah build his ark today?
- The reason Florida delayed
- a Florida resident responds to out-of-state questions -
Regarding the Presidential election voting drama in Florida late 2000 and early 2001 of Bush vs. Gore you asked us Florida residents, 'What the heck is going on in Florida' - - as if we don't know what we are doing.
Please understand that we know exactly what we are doing, and it's proceeding to plan. I will, on the QT, clue you in.
First let me say I am very saddened that citizens of all other states are doing nothing for the national good during the 2000 Presidential election season. Evidently they support misery.
Therefore - - it's up to Floridians to do the right thing - - defined by a 2-part plan.
Part I of our plan is called 'Procrastination for National Happiness' -
Whichever candidate ultimately wins, those supporting the loser will be unhappy. I'm sure you agree. If in one's state the candidate of your choice wins, you are happy but many of your neighbors are unhappy. The only way your neighbors can also be happy is to give them hope that their choice might still win the national election.
Floridians, unlike those in selfish states, do not wish anyone to be unhappy. Wishing to help promote as much happiness for all Americans as long as possible, Floridians have decided to procrastinate and take their own sweet time in deciding the election. So far, nobody should be unhappy, anywhere, as long as we delay declaring a winner.
Part II of our plan carries the code name: 'Lawyer' -
In addition to Part I of our plan to enhance national happiness by dragging-out our decision, Part II of our plan called for sucking down to Florida every lawyer in the nation. Not only does this help us with Part I since zillions of lawyers can't help but clog-up a lot of pipes, which furthers our procrastination strategy, but sucking them down here also keeps them tied up away from their home turf.
Not only is our procrastination-sacrifice intended for the good of national happiness by delaying the election and unhappiness of half the electorate - - this plan also keeps people in other states free of their own lawyers for that period. Neat service to our fellow Americans, Huh?
We expect to be rewarded for our sacrifice, especially since feeding bait to occupy billions of lawyers stacked up down here, while much fun, consumes a lot of our time. Since many of us are senior citizens, time is precious. It's very precious.
Those other states that were so 'quick on the draw' completing their own voting, did so with complete disregard for pursuing a higher national good like our planning. They will be receiving our invoice for services rendered.
As Paul Harvey says, "Now you know the rest of the story."
By Michael Hodges
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken XP, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Saddam Hussein #3: I will not allow anyone to inspect my chickens.
CIA Director: No weapons of mass destruction here. They must be on the other side - - I hope.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
The Pope: That is only for God to know.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Government staff before congressional committee: I don't recall why chickens come home to roost on my side of the road - - but if you push I'll take the 5th or leave the coop.
Politician: A chicken in every pot will 'save the children' and protect my own perch.
Influence investor: I heard wealthy chickens receive free lodging while being plucked at a special house across Pennsylvania Avenue.
Affirmative action advocate: Chickens have been discriminated against. They should be granted special class privileges. Retribution payments might be realized across the road.
Retired Chicken: On this side they said they 'saved social security' for chickens by building a trust fund surplus, but actually they spent every penny of the surplus on non-pension stuff as fast as the money arrived, leaving non-marketable IOUs instead of real money. I hope the other side of the road has its trust fund 'surplus' saved for future chickens in hard cash or in fully marketable securities, since chickens can't buy corn during retirement with non-marketable IOUs.
Working Chicken: On this side they say my FICA taxes will produce a negative return toward my retirement. On the other side they believe in UFOs.
Attorney: Chickens are invited to cross the road to join a class action law suit against all non-chickens.
Parent: Teachers have credentials, but my chicks can't read. The President said he's looking for volunteers on the other side to teach chicks to read.
Environmentalist: The chicken crossed the road to escape blame for earth warming.
Voter: Maybe if I cross the road and believe the other party's slogan, "vote for us and you will not be plucked."
Voter #2: I will no longer vote, because they plucked me on the other side, too.
Economic student: Government said they had another surplus. How can that they say that when each year they increased total debt to another record? I hope they count chickens differently on the other side.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define 'chicken,' please?
8th Grade chicken: On my side two-thirds of graduates need remedial work in college to make up what they didn't learn in high school. On the other side you can skip high school and go direct to college.
12th Grade chicken: On this side we take 'math & science,' yet come in last measured against students from other nations. Maybe the other side lets us attend foreign schools..
Teenager: To prove that he wasn't a chicken.
Chicken lawyer: After the 2000 election all the nation's lawyers stopped chasing ambulances for awhile, and crossed over to Florida - - to count votes for Bush & Gore, 'til they dropped.
Accountant-auditor chicken with a Big 5 firm: Because it's more profitable to audit and OK 'cooked' books on the other side.
Enron chicken: on the other side you can run up debt and hide the fact, just like politicians do with the social security trust fund.
Truck driver: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
Federal Reserve Chairman: On this side of the road we can get away with reducing interest rates that wipes out 70% of income to senior citizen who saved for their retirement, so we can subsidize more debtors and our beloved banks. Horror of horrors if they move to the other side where Federal Reserve Banks are not allowed, and up-to-the-eyeball debtors are non-existent, and then those savors get to retain and improve their living standards.
Banker #1: on the other side of the road you can hide off-balance sheet debt from the markets, regulators, shareholders and auditors.
Banker #2: moving assets worth very little to the other side where we can mark them to whatever price we like to pump up assets and then sell them to the greater fools out there.
Banker #3: even a better idea on the other side is that there the Federal Reserve will bail you out and subsidize your bad assets.
Mortgage broker: get the nice couple to sign up for a toxic house mortgage, collect fees on this side and tell them not to worry as they can surely trust you, and then move your office to the other side where they can't find you.
Mortgage broker #2: make sure they borrow and spend all their home equity on this side and pay tons of fees and interest, because if they escape to the other side they might not borrow to consume their home equity and horror of horrors might never borrow again, instead becoming free and clear for their future.
CEO: if your company is going down the tubes, don't tell anybody but quickly grab your golden parachute and zip to the other side of the road to the cool life you earned.
Al Gore: I invented the chicken! So I, not the chickens, get to decide which side all chickens get to live.
Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ...
George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
best regards, Michael Hodges
The above came from many. If you have 'chicken ideas' to add to this list, send an email
JOKE # 3
Why today's high school math exams are tougher?
A History of Teaching Math - found in alt.politics newsgroup
1. Teaching Math in the 1950s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math in the 1960s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math in the 1970s: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
4. Teaching Math in the 1980s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math in the 1990s: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
6. Teaching Math in the 2000s: your call.
Bottom-line: if things get too serious in life, just be happy that our kids are becoming better in math than ever before, as proven above - - and, let's just ignore reports that other nations score higher on international math tests.
JOKE # 4
Could Noah build his ark today?
If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has." (this joke about Noah's Ark is from http://discodesigns.com/asa1/writings/noah.html)
Are you now wiser and smiling?
Thank you for your visit. On a more serious vein, to learn about difficult economic conditions being passed to our youth and to view several graphics you have never seen, please Click this Link for the Grandfather Economic Report Index
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